Online Dating is big news at the moment with everyone dipping their toes into the cybernetic pool of love; from busy career types to pensioners wanting to find a companion/plaything!
But what if your internet date turns out to be a total nutjob?! The thing is anyone can pretend to be anyone they want to be on the internet, so you should always take precautions and have a friend/lover/hired-help to come and meet you/call you at a specific time to assist you in your great escape!
Of course sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures! If your friend fails to show or call due to fire/floods/alien abduction you have to think fast and get yourself out of their quick! And if you REALLY are far too nice to hurt his/her feelings why not just see if you can Out-crazy the ‘crazy’! With a bit of luck you’ll totally freak him/her out and they will be running for the hills with my handy guide to Online Dating!
Ok …. so he’s started acting more than a little weird, maybe grabbing your hand and staring jealously at the waiter every time he comes over top top up your drinks. Or perhaps ‘Creepy date’ asks what your measurements are when you are folded up… and if you had ever thought about hopping into a suitcase to see if you’d fit inside!
You’ve only known this guy ten minutes and you suspect things may become nasty if you reject him outright. So start building up your personality disorder slowly but surely, although it may become necessary to totally “flip†at some point and run screaming – but we’ll get to that later!
1. Insist on ordering an expensive wine or champagne. It he refuses start crying and say “My ex who beat me never let have champagne!†Hopefully he should relent as most men cannot deal with crying women or brats! As soon as the champagne arrives, eye it curiously, sniff it and shoot sideways looks at the waiter. Stage whisper to your ‘date’ I think he’s spiked it’ Pretend to take a sip and smile sweetly then drain your glass into the nearest plant pot.
Hopefully now he should be looking pretty confused by now but if not you may have to try some other tactics.
2. When the meal arrives, again eye it with suspicion, then opening your handbag (you’ll want to pack a spare bag you can throw away afterwards!) empty the contents into your handbag whilst looking around and looking as dodgy as possible. Tell him to carry on and eat his meal, that you’re certain his meal isn’t poisoned because they are not after him, only you! When he starts to eat, rather than looking at his face watch his fork move from plate to mouth, to plate and back again. If he offers you anything such as a chip, take it but throw it into your handbag as if it’s onfire! Some drool would be good at this stage too…
Most normal people would have decided that this date really wasn’t working right now. But if he’s still looking keen and not totally grossed out by your appalling behaviour…then lets just up the ‘crazy’ slightly!
3. Take a chopstick or pen….even better if you can borrow one from home! Open your bag and stir the mushy food contents with it, muttering some incantations as you stir. Ask him if he wishes to bless the contents, then look suggestively at his crotch. One of two things may happen here. Either he’ll make his excuses and leave or he’ll grab your bag and run to the nearest gentleman’s loos chuckling with glee giving you the perfect chance to disappear off!
Let’s just hope he doesn’t give you what he thinks is a seductive look…and whisper – ‘I’d rather bless you my child!’
4. You could try popping into the loo and coming out in a disguise. A complete change of outfit is needed, glasses, wig and possibly a moustache. Try sidling past him towards the door. Should he notice you despite your master of disguise genius, tell him there are henchmen out to get you. They want your powers and will stop at no length to get them so you must take precautions.
5. Keep your collar up around your face at all time. Wait until a stranger walks into the bar/restaurant then start hyperventilating! Duck under the table and send a text message to your date. Say that you have just spotted your ex who has just been released from prison… after being sent down for violently murdering your ex lover! That should have ‘creepy date’ running faster than a cheetah with a rocket up it’s bottom! But if not hey – you have a valid excuse to leg it!
6. Fiddle with a little earpiece and mic on your ear and speak into it occasionally. In some cases random gibberish may suffice, or you may have to get a little FBI on his ass and say things such as “what are your co-ordinatesâ€, “can you locate usâ€, “the suspect is present†“ah you are here, can you zoom in on us now, “Then either jump away from the table quickly and see if he does the same or perhaps try “1 to beam up! When nothing happens mutter your equipment must be broken and then say you need to get to Nasa fast as your partical acceleration transporter device is offline and could spell the end of life as we know it.
For the following suggestions you will need a good friend who is game for a crack.
7. Stage an arrest. Your friend should be dressed completely in black with matching shades. You can make a little badge for them to flash and say “official secret government undercover business†They will probably assume it’s the FBI or similar as who would be crazy enough to stage that!!You can ham this up by getting them to read you your rights or asking if you were aware that you had just committed a major felony. Then they should cuff you and take you to a waiting car.
I’m not suggesting that you hire an helicopter as this could get quite pricey. But it WOULD make it look authentic and you’d be the talk of the town for weeks!
8. Get an older friend to pose as your Mum/Dad. They will turn up at the restaurant to SURPRISE their special little girl on her big grown up date! Whoever is playing Mum should flirt outrageously with creepy date then accidentally spill her drink/food all down him. “Dad†should give him daggers, a crushing handshake and say menacingly “I want you to know how special my little girl is and if anyone ever hurt her I would KILL them.â€
9. Get a friend to pose as a traffic warden and give ‘creepy date’ a ticket and demand he moves his car NOW or the fine will double. This is another excuse to give him the slip but he may be slightly baffled if he came on the bus so do your research firs
10. Get a friend to pose as ‘Creepy date’s’ ex lover/fiancee.
She should spot you in the window then come in and say she couldn’t resist telling you what a wanker he is, as she’d hate for you to have to suffer at his hands like she did! You can improvise with this – maybe she claims he is a multiple bigamist, a wife beater – think Jeremy Kyle! Amid the skirmish you should run off sobbing for effect. Other diners should have gathered round at this stage to watch this sensational outburst giving you the cover of a crowd to slip through!
Other slightly less insane suggestions you might find helpful when online dating:
Use a fake name until you know the person you are meeting are who they say they are
Always choose the meeting place yourself and pick one with a back exit, or large window in the ladies loos
Pack trainers (for quick getaways)
Don’t give out your address
Make sure a friend knows where you are and who you will be meeting.
Have a codeword or phrase you can use to your friend if it’s not going well. Something you can slip into conversation such as “my feet are killing me in these shoes†will not give you away as he will assume it’s brainless women’s chitchat, whereas “Red alert red alert Houston we have a problem†may just give him a bit of a clue that you are desperate to get away!
I hope you enjoyed reading this and found at least some of it useful or entertaining.
Disclaimer: Please note this dating guide has been put together for the purposes of entertainment and that reader is liable for any incidents or accidents that may result from trying these tips at home! This includes but is not limited to:
Any injuries incurred whilst escaping from windows;sprinting or amidst the stampede of a crowd, any minor or major expenses, such as designer bags stained with food, beverages, and other bodily fluids, costs for transports, hired help and bribes, arrest or incarceration for impersonating a police officer/position of authority, or for being sectioned under the mental health act. The reader is also liable for any libel/slander/allegations that may result from taking parts of this blog far too seriously.
Thank you ta and look out for more of my dating advice coming soon– Kaz X
