Here is an e-mail from one of my readers asking for advice about his sex life and my response to him. His name has been changed to protect his identity.
Hi Kaz,
Just seen your blog and could do with your advice.
I’m 42, my wife is 33. Our sex life is a bit boring and not satisfying enough for me. She works two jobs and often works late and if I ask for sex she says sometimes she is exhausted and I get frustrated with her and we argue. I don’t really bother with foreplay as I can’t really be bothered with all that, but when she does let me have sex she doesn’t do much. I want her to be more adventurous and spice up our sex life. What’s the answer to this? I have seen some of your films – I’m sure you must understand and sympathise with me.
Cheers, Toby
My Reply To Toby:
Dear Toby,
I need to be brutally honest with you. Whilst your e-mail to me was quite brief ,I did pick up a great deal from the tone of it.
FOREPLAY
Firstly, lets start with the lack of foreplay. Unlike men, women are not instantly turned on, they need some stimulation. By stimulation I don’t mean telling her how horny you are or how much you want sex – this is just putting pressure on her. I mean stimulating her physically and emotionally. Women (in the real world, not in a porn film) want intimacy with sex and are turned on by kissing, stroking and touching. If this is absent, then your wife will not be turned on mentally and she’ll be drier than a camels flip flop on a 2 month vacation in the Sahara. Would you want something stuffed straight up your bum dry and without any lube? I severely doubt it.
FRUSTRATION
The second thing I want to address – you say your wife says she is exhausted and you get frustrated with her and argue. When a women is tired she may still be open to sex if approached the right way but you need to get her turned on. Have you considered that if you make her feel relaxed that she may start to feel in the mood for sex? Think about it! The fact that you get frustrated with her won’t be helping matters either. That’s hardly going to put her in the mood for sex now is it.
PRESSURE
Thirdly you state that you “ask for sex”. Why on earth do you feel the need to ask permission to begin sex with your significant other? This is very unnatural and suggests that you are putting all the responsibility on her and expecting her to take action. If she is already feeling tired this is simply going to pile more emotional pressure onto her and make her view sex as a chore. Sex should be natural. You should as a mature adult be able to use subtle clues and start to turn her on without just stating that you want sex. This is a very immature approach and is not going to get a women going. Yes of course it would work for you – you are a male so you expect it to work for her too. Clearly this is not the case so you can’t expect to get different results by doing the same thing over and over.
Your e-mail does rather strike me as your sex life being all about your sexual needs and desires and you seem to give little thought or effort to your wife’s needs. Instead you choose to become frustrated with her and blame her wholly for the problem. There are two of you in this relationship and you personally need to take on some of that responsibility and not expect her to be some kind of porn star.
PORN VS REALITY
Your last comment was – “I have seen some of your films – I’m sure you must understand!” Porn is a fantasy world with lots of heavy editing. Real life is not like this and you need to accept that your life will not be like a porn movie. Yes you can enjoy a great sex life but you need to lose some of your expectations, your sense of entitlement and focus on your wife a little more.
Sorry Toby, I know it’s not what you want to hear and I don’t mean to come across as rude, but if you want to make things work then you need to think and work a little harder and accept some responsibility for the situation. If I did not give you brutal, honest advice I don’t think I’d be helping you at all.
I do wish you the very best and hope you take my comments onboard. Please let me know how you get on.
Lots of love and best wishes
Kaz xxx
